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Post by Mac on Jun 16, 2006 12:11:35 GMT -4
Two men are drinking at a bar. One says to the other, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend, "and I just joined Kiwanis!"
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Post by coppersun2001 on Jun 23, 2006 9:11:24 GMT -4
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
"You Can Be The Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my Meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to Go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash My back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my guess."
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Post by Mac on Jun 29, 2006 1:44:18 GMT -4
Mowing the Lawn
I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbour lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me "You should be hung"
I had a sip of my Canadian, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened RayBans and stared directly at this nosy bitch and calmly replied....
"I am, that's why she mows the lawn."
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Post by Mac on Jul 28, 2006 18:42:52 GMT -4
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. I asked her why I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she is coming back......
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Post by coppersun2001 on Jul 31, 2006 9:59:13 GMT -4
OHHHHHHHHHHH Mac you are so bad!!!!!! lol lol roflmao
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Post by coppersun2001 on Aug 3, 2006 12:01:46 GMT -4
I know its not Friday but had this one sent to me by my daughter. I wonder if she thinks of her blond mom some days, what do you think??
HOUSTON BLONDE JOKE
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTENTO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
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Post by Mac on Aug 24, 2006 1:39:17 GMT -4
The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and then smell fresh rain.
When you approach the milk case you can hear cows mooing and you can smell freshly cut hay.
Near the egg case you can hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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Post by Sosua Gal on Aug 25, 2006 9:48:54 GMT -4
LMAO You guys KILL ME- keep up the great jokes!!!
Colleen
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Post by coppersun2001 on Aug 30, 2006 12:25:33 GMT -4
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles
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Post by robyne2000 on Sept 2, 2006 2:50:57 GMT -4
Coppersun
You call me bad !!!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO
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Post by coppersun2001 on Sept 5, 2006 16:40:10 GMT -4
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lol I know its not Friday but just needed to share this one!!  Medical School A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "More than likely deer hunting or fishing with his buddies." |
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Post by Mac on Sept 23, 2006 2:21:29 GMT -4
A Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.
It read: "Happy hour special" Lobster tail and Screech"
"Ah ha" he says to himself, "Me three favorite things!"
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Post by Mac on Oct 11, 2006 2:47:38 GMT -4
Fri. funny on a Tues. evening. Just for you Col.
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinski turns 31 this week. Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast.
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Post by Sosua Gal on Oct 11, 2006 3:11:28 GMT -4
LOL, Mac!
Whatcha think of the new look???
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Post by coppersun2001 on Oct 11, 2006 10:26:51 GMT -4
WOW I love the new look! KEWLLLLLLLLLLLL ;D
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