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Post by alanread on Jan 28, 2007 17:23:31 GMT -4
An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.
"Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "
" My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.
"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.
The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow.
The last one was a gyneacologist and all he did was look at it.
But this time, Father,
I'm marrying a lawyer,
so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"
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Post by Spanky on Feb 9, 2007 12:01:03 GMT -4
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
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Post by Spanky on Feb 9, 2007 12:02:29 GMT -4
My Lexus!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream:
"Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
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Post by Spanky on Feb 9, 2007 12:05:12 GMT -4
What's The Charge?
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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Post by Spanky on Feb 9, 2007 12:13:57 GMT -4
Q: What do lawyers use as birth-control?
A: Their personalities.
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Post by alanread on Mar 1, 2007 12:32:34 GMT -4
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
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Post by alanread on Mar 5, 2007 14:57:01 GMT -4
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for? ...
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Post by Spanky on Mar 17, 2007 13:03:34 GMT -4
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
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Post by Spanky on Mar 17, 2007 13:05:31 GMT -4
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
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Post by Spanky on Mar 17, 2007 13:09:17 GMT -4
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deckchair on the Titanic
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Post by coppersun2001 on Mar 22, 2007 11:43:24 GMT -4
Subject: Stop or slow down? A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from Illinois and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from North Carolina . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. License and registration, please," said the deputy. What for?" replied the lawyer. "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign," said the deputy ."I slowed down, and no one was coming," replied the lawyer. "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please," responded the deputy. "What's the difference?" asked the lawyer. "The difference is you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!" repeated the deputy. "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket," said the lawyer. "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir," said the deputy. Lawyer gets out of the car. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop....or just slow down?"  ;D |
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