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Post by Mac on Oct 25, 2005 2:23:04 GMT -4
A guy walks into Checkpoint and yells "Mark, give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!" Mark pours the shots and the guy drinks them down one at a time as fast as he can. Mark says "Wow, I never saw anyone drink that fast." The guy replies " Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" Mark says "Oh my god, what do you have??"
The guy says "Fifty cents"
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Post by Mac on Oct 25, 2005 2:40:17 GMT -4
Mac walks into Checkpoint, sits down next to Bill and notices that Bill has a very large Bic lighter. Mac says "cool lighter, where did you get it? Bill replies that a genie appeared from his bottle of Presidente and granted him one wish. "Great" Mac says "Can I try it?" "Sure" Mac rubs the bottle and the genie appears and says "Only one wish" Mac says that he wants a million bucks. The genie vanishes and a couple of minutes later the door opens and in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other. "I can't believe this" says Mac. "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks" Bill replies "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic ?"
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Post by Spanky on Sept 9, 2006 12:34:55 GMT -4
The pain of drinking
A drunk gets up from the Checkpoint bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
Mark goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, Mark opens the door, looks in and says...
“You're sitting on the mop bucket!”
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Post by coppersun2001 on Sept 12, 2006 11:02:29 GMT -4
lol roflmao Spanky you are so badddddddddddddd!
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Post by Spanky on Oct 1, 2006 16:37:39 GMT -4
Not sure where to put this one as it is in the form of a limerick but could also be a "checkpoint funny"
Spanky was serving a lady rum and coke
Then she said she wanted a poke
She tried, tried and tried
But he strenuously denied
And turned it all into a joke.
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Post by Spanky on Oct 1, 2006 16:52:29 GMT -4
SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
One of Mark's friends was enjoying a few pints down at the Checkpoint bar, when he said to Mark:
"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied Mark, "fire away."
"Well," said the friend, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied Mark.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the friend.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied Mark, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
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Post by Spanky on Oct 9, 2006 14:10:25 GMT -4
A guy walks into Checkpoint bar and orders a beer.
"Listen," he says to Mark, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll see," says Mark.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says Mark, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."
Another customer jumps up from his stool and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The customer takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says Mark, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy,
"The hamster is also a vantriloquist!"
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Post by Spanky on Oct 21, 2006 21:18:44 GMT -4
I know it's in the form of a limerick but thought this is the best thread for it.
At checkpoint we did see
Honeymooners so full of glee
They were happy alright
Because on the night
Mark said they could drink for free
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Post by coppersun2001 on Nov 30, 2006 12:17:47 GMT -4
BOSS HAD TO FIRE SOMEBODY
Always tough to fire someone.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit this morning
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Post by coppersun2001 on Dec 1, 2006 11:10:46 GMT -4
Water & Wine Education
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do
not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other
liquor) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and
be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am
doing it as a public service
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Post by coppersun2001 on Dec 8, 2006 11:00:40 GMT -4
You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female, for example :
1. Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.
2. Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.
7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.
10. The Remote Control -- Female..... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
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andy
More than a Newbie
Posts: 53
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Post by andy on Dec 30, 2006 12:21:34 GMT -4
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
.each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally 1 club and 2 balls.
.playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
.unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
.
for most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. course owners are permitted to check
shaft stiffness before play begins.
.course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
.the object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
.it is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. the experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
.players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.
.players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear along, just in case.
.players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. previous players have been known to become irrate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
.players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. more advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
.players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
slow play is encouraged: however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.
.it is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
.the course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player .
.players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. for this reason , many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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Post by Spanky on Dec 30, 2006 22:54:13 GMT -4
Andy what happened about the following rule Players should avoid any hole where a red flag is flying  [glow=red,2,300]sorry[/glow] |
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